We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I have post one night stand depression
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
