The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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