I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
So many bounce houses so little time
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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