I'm sorry my penis didn't work
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
