I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
