I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
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