I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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