the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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