Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Randomize
