life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Randomize
