I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
