I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
