On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
