I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
