god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
