so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
