Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I need to sanitize my soul.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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