I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
