I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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