Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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