I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
