Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
