it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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