Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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