we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
