Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
