If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
