I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
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