A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
