I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
