We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
