4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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