He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
