My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
