Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Randomize
