At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
