my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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