The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
