I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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