"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
