u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
