I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
