Rock
Scissors
Fuck
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
be right there i have to get my cape
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
