I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
