I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
