What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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