Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
