No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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