apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
