I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
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