She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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