uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
