btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
